Re: Random Dialogues :: Most Recent: Four new characters inbound ::
First things first: it's too, not to.
eg. "Too much," or "Can we come too?"
You've made this mistake several times, and it makes your dialogue seem sloppy.
I've read through your Samus dialogue and I think you've got a good premise, but the execution is somewhat lacking. I took the liberty of altering some of your lines to give you an idea of how I think you can improve. I hope you don't mind.
[spoiler]
The again is already implied by the fact she's saying he couldn't stay away and is therefore redundant. It's also quite an unnatural way of speaking. I would suggest something more along these lines:
"You just keep coming back don't you?" or "What a surprise; you just can't stay away..." or even "Does your boss/Do the others know how often you come down here to visit me?"
More attitude and more natural.
I'm sorry, but this sounds like dialogue from a bad soap opera. Suggestion:
"You play it up when the others are around, but I can tell you don't really hate me. I can see it in your eyes."
And again I think the dialogue feels unnatural. Suggestion:
"Heh, it's funny... if I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to make sure I'm enjoying this too..."
Although I think this line is pretty ridiculous given the nature of Super Deepthroat. Samus would have to be a total masochist and her deepthroater would have to know that for him to ever expect her to enjoy the way she's being treated.
Again, it reads strangely. Suggestion:
"Your visits are the one thing I'll miss about this place once I've busted out."
I like this line, but I think your emphasis is off, and the sentences are a little bit on the clunky side. Fix:
"I can feel your eyes on me; on my arms, my legs... my stomach. You like it that I'm not a weak little girl don't you?"
Okay, what? The above lines imply that Samus is being held hostage, and this line just doesn't gel with that at all. Rework it to reference that she's in captivity or remove it.
Awkward dialogue. Suggestion:
"Do you like my breasts? I've seen you staring. Don't worry, I like the way you look at me."
Another awkward line. People don't talk like this, and I can't imagine Samus giggling like that.
"You always seem to time your visits to match the end of my workouts. Don't think I haven't noticed. I know you like the way I look all covered in sweat."
Another clunky line. I don't think it works unless it's an inner monologue. Something like:
'What's wrong with me? I used to hate the way their eyes devoured me, but now... it makes me horny.'[/spoiler]
I won't do any more, but the same issues are consistent through the entirety of your dialogue. I hope these pointers help you to improve because I think your scenario is excellent, and the gist of the lines is good, they're just not particularly well written.
