Line 103: intro2:"I like kissing but first I wanna play hide the prize![introH2]"
Could use some comma's...
"I like kissing, but first I wanna play (...)"
Line 104: intro3:"Yeah, I'll explain how it works. %0AI get you dick out and hide it in my mouth and eventually I'll get a prize![introH3]"
"I get you dick out" -> "I get your dick out" (+" of those tight pants, and (...)" maybe)
"and hide it in my mouth and eventually I'll get a prize!" -> "and hide it in my mouth, and eventually, I'll get a prize!"
Line 120-139
I don't know if that works comfortable for you, but try to keep your line naming and line positioning in place. You're going from the first general line to generalH to general2 to generalH3, and from the 4th general line to generalH4 to general3
And now that I put it like that, it makes sense... (H1-2-H3 and from 4 to 4, then third line 3) but it's still pretty fucked up and hard to follow.
Minor issue anyway - it doesn't affect the result, it just makes editing harder. Try not dividing lines between him and her as your main division - seperate your lines by trees of dialogue. You do this confusing her-him-her thing in the intro too.
Line 145: resistance:"Gimme it!"
Is that valid English? I don't know myself, not really entirely familiar with all sorts of contractions like gonna, gimme, wanna and their friends.
Line 188-192:
***** His Hand Job Lines *****
hand_job_strokeH:"What you mean in person?[hand_job_stroke2]"
hand_job_strokeH2:"You gave me a handjob while I was sleeping!"
hand_job_strokeH3:"You have a doll of me? That's a bit.Б.Б. creepy."
This is why I question whether splitting the lines into categories like this even helps. It probably helps to keep all your lines of one type in one place (all resistance lines, etc...) but it's clearly not working for separation of him/her lines.
You should have him say his own lines, rather than having creepy girl speak for him.
Line 183: hand_job_stroke:"I've been practacing on my doll of you. I'm getting quite good now.[hand_job_strokeH3]"
"practacing" -> "practicing"
spell checkers ftw, I'm telling you
If you have chrome, (or does firefox come with built-in spellchecker too?) before posting your dialogue, just hit quick reply under your thread, then plonk your dialogue in there. Don't actually post it - just copy-paste it in the box. Any bad words will have red lines under them - right click to fix. Sadly, chrome here is very, uh... innocent, and doesn't know all the dirty words. So it's possible to get a few false positives.
Line 243: first_throat:"Come on, just a little bit more"{"style":"Thought"}
Missing sentence ending.
Line 252: first_dt:"Oh wow that feels soooo good."
could use a comma: "Oh wow, that feels soooo good."
Line 284: vigorous:"[SHOCK]Wow, you're really getting into this now aren't you."
When using a tag ("don't you"/"aren't you"/"are you" and friends, at the end of the sentence), you always use a comma, don't you? Yeah, you do.
"blah blah blah, don't you" is actually "blah blah blah, or do you not (agree/feel that way/act that way)"
So yeah - you should add a comma. "Wow, you're really getting into this now, aren't you." Alternatively, add a question mark at the end (, aren't you?)
Line 308: cum_in_mouth:"Is it cozy in there, little guys?"
Line 311: cum_in_throat:"Oh no, I never got to say hello to them."
Line 334: drool:"Oh no! Come back, little guys."
Line 335: drool:"Where are you going, come back..."
Good lines, love the humor.
