Random Dialogues :: 7DEC12 - Intermission :: (1 Viewer)

[Kinnerman]

Re: Random Dialogues :: Most Recent: New Character In Progress! ::

Keep updating. I'll be waiting. It's good to know that you're still alive through the message edited date ^_^

 

[gunman407]

Re: Random Dialogues :: Most Recent: New Character In Progress! ::

I really enjoyed the dialogue, gives her alot more character than any of the games really did(I'm not even going to count Other M). The only thing I can think of to improve this would be some pre_cum lines, but it's pretty awesome as-is. :D

 

[j4cks0n]

Re: Random Dialogues :: Most Recent: New Character In Progress! ::

So here's the deal.

I'm not dead (yet). I'm currently in a place where I'm unable to access the net aside from public terminals. So yea. I've been writing various dialogues, currently have four different ones (I try to stay busy on this stuff, I like writing it). Unfortunately, I have no way to put the files on to this site. So yea. Anyone have ideas for this? I thought about just putting the separate dialogues in spoiler tags and then people could copy/paste them into blank text files, but I was curious if anyone had a better solution. I can't put files of any kind where I am, but I could copy paste them from other online sources.

Sorry it took so long to get back to this, net use is very iffy where I am. Be glad to hear of any ideas. In the mean time I'll keep writing : )

 

[ModGuy]

Re: Random Dialogues :: Most Recent: New Character In Progress! ::

So here's the deal.

I'm not dead (yet). I'm currently in a place where I'm unable to access the net aside from public terminals. So yea. I've been writing various dialogues, currently have four different ones (I try to stay busy on this stuff, I like writing it). Unfortunately, I have no way to put the files on to this site. So yea. Anyone have ideas for this? I thought about just putting the separate dialogues in spoiler tags and then people could copy/paste them into blank text files, but I was curious if anyone had a better solution. I can't put files of any kind where I am, but I could copy paste them from other online sources.

Sorry it took so long to get back to this, net use is very iffy where I am. Be glad to hear of any ideas. In the mean time I'll keep writing : )

Objective:
Upload data to the internet, without the internet.

Solution:
There isn't one.

Attach them to your post or use a filehost, don't use spoiler tags or otherwise - it makes it much more likely for a user to mess something up.

 

[anonymous]

Re: Random Dialogues :: Most Recent: New Character In Progress! ::

So here's the deal.

I'm not dead (yet). I'm currently in a place where I'm unable to access the net aside from public terminals. So yea. I've been writing various dialogues, currently have four different ones (I try to stay busy on this stuff, I like writing it). Unfortunately, I have no way to put the files on to this site. So yea. Anyone have ideas for this? I thought about just putting the separate dialogues in spoiler tags and then people could copy/paste them into blank text files, but I was curious if anyone had a better solution. I can't put files of any kind where I am, but I could copy paste them from other online sources.

Sorry it took so long to get back to this, net use is very iffy where I am. Be glad to hear of any ideas. In the mean time I'll keep writing : )

Objective:
Upload data to the internet, without the internet.

Solution:
There isn't one.

Attach them to your post or use a filehost, don't use spoiler tags or otherwise - it makes it much more likely for a user to mess something up.

Someone's cranky today. Anyway, he seems to be at a public terminal, he can't upload files because he has no files, he can however copy the text from wherever he has the text typed online.

 

[j4cks0n]

Re: Random Dialogues :: Most Recent: New Character In Progress! ::

@ModGuy :: I have net access, I just can't put files up from the access point. Anon is right, it's basically a public terminal. I just didn't want a post to be long as hell with multiple files that could be dealt with using spoiler tags if nothing else. Nothing in the files should trip the flags on the system. At least I don't think so.

@Anonymous :: So it would be ok to use spoiler tags to hide individual dialogues? Or is there some other solution I could try?

 

[Zeratoth]

Re: Random Dialogues :: Most Recent: Four new characters inbound ::

I've seen people spoiler tag before.
Should be fine, I'm really looking forward to these.

 

[e39042]

Re: Random Dialogues :: Most Recent: Four new characters inbound ::

First things first: it's too, not to.
eg. "Too much," or "Can we come too?"
You've made this mistake several times, and it makes your dialogue seem sloppy.

I've read through your Samus dialogue and I think you've got a good premise, but the execution is somewhat lacking. I took the liberty of altering some of your lines to give you an idea of how I think you can improve. I hope you don't mind.

Spoiler

Couldn't stay away from me again right?

The again is already implied by the fact she's saying he couldn't stay away and is therefore redundant. It's also quite an unnatural way of speaking. I would suggest something more along these lines:
"You just keep coming back don't you?" or "What a surprise; you just can't stay away..." or even "Does your boss/Do the others know how often you come down here to visit me?"
More attitude and more natural.

Your eyes never have any hate in them."

I'm sorry, but this sounds like dialogue from a bad soap opera. Suggestion:
"You play it up when the others are around, but I can tell you don't really hate me. I can see it in your eyes."

Heh, it's funny... sometimes I think you want to make sure I enjoy this to...

And again I think the dialogue feels unnatural. Suggestion:
"Heh, it's funny... if I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to make sure I'm enjoying this too..."
Although I think this line is pretty ridiculous given the nature of Super Deepthroat. Samus would have to be a total masochist and her deepthroater would have to know that for him to ever expect her to enjoy the way she's being treated.

I'll force my way out of here when I get a chance, but I don't mind your visits anymore.

Again, it reads strangely. Suggestion:
"Your visits are the one thing I'll miss about this place once I've busted out."

I can feel your eyes on me... on my arms, my stomach. You like how I'm not some weak little girl don't you?

I like this line, but I think your emphasis is off, and the sentences are a little bit on the clunky side. Fix:
"I can feel your eyes on me; on my arms, my legs... my stomach. You like it that I'm not a weak little girl don't you?"

I know I'm still sweaty. Finished my work out before you came back

Okay, what? The above lines imply that Samus is being held hostage, and this line just doesn't gel with that at all. Rework it to reference that she's in captivity or remove it.

Hmhm, I can see you watching my breasts. I like it when you look.

Awkward dialogue. Suggestion:
"Do you like my breasts? I've seen you staring. Don't worry, I like the way you look at me."

I work out in here so I can stay strong. Hehe, and because I know you like seeing me all sweaty.

Another awkward line. People don't talk like this, and I can't imagine Samus giggling like that.
"You always seem to time your visits to match the end of my workouts. Don't think I haven't noticed. I know you like the way I look all covered in sweat."

Hah, I wonder when I started feeling good when you look at me like that.

Another clunky line. I don't think it works unless it's an inner monologue. Something like:
'What's wrong with me? I used to hate the way their eyes devoured me, but now... it makes me horny.'

I won't do any more, but the same issues are consistent through the entirety of your dialogue. I hope these pointers help you to improve because I think your scenario is excellent, and the gist of the lines is good, they're just not particularly well written.

 

[j4cks0n]

Re: Random Dialogues :: Most Recent: Four new characters inbound ::

First things first: it's too, not to.
eg. "Too much," or "Can we come too?"
You've made this mistake several times, and it makes your dialogue seem sloppy.

I've read through your Samus dialogue and I think you've got a good premise, but the execution is somewhat lacking. I took the liberty of altering some of your lines to give you an idea of how I think you can improve. I hope you don't mind.

:: Excellent criticism ::

I won't do any more, but the same issues are consistent through the entirety of your dialogue. I hope these pointers help you to improve because I think your scenario is excellent, and the gist of the lines is good, they're just not particularly well written.

I dunno if you're still around, but thank you. It's terribly amusing to get constructive feedback on erotic dialogue I wrote for fun but you made several good points. I never really thought about how the sentences would "flow" and my knowledge of Samus as a character is severely limited.

Seriously, thanks. If I write more, I hope you're around to read them.